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Dick Cheney’s Most Dangerous Game

US politics and government were rocked to their foundations
this month when Harry Whittington, a 78 year old lawyer and generous donor to
the Republican Party, emerged severely wounded but alive from a South Texas
ranch. From reports pieced together from circumstantial evidence, whispered
stories of frightened neighbors and Mr. Whittington’s rare cogent moments a
shocking story has emerged.

Vice President Dick Cheney has long been a proponent of a
strong Executive branch, and a backer of the controversial "Unitary  Executive"
theory of unchecked Presidential power. An intensely private man, his secretive
nature was demonstrated by the fight to keep energy policy decision-making
hidden. However, friends and colleagues have reported noting a dramatic shift in
his mental state in the years following the attacks of September 11th. "He
became incredibly fearful of the terrorists for a time," stated one senior
administration official who wished to remain anonymous so as to avoid being shot
in the face. "[Cheney] spent all his time in that ‘undisclosed location’,
largely training in firearms and Krav Maga, the Israeli military martial art,
terrified that ‘they’ were coming for him next." Friends grew concerned as he
turned to drink, wandering the caverns of his bunker with a fifth of scotch and
his favorite SIG Sauer handgun, screaming incoherently and firing at shadows.

Eventually, sources said, Cheney reemerged. But something
had changed. The Vice President became obsessed with destruction and death,
brooding over reports on WMDs and seeing mushroom clouds in his dreams. He began
to envision threats everywhere – threats that needed to be destroyed. Valerie
Plame and her husband were neutralized. In his increasing paranoia, Cheney
pushed the NSA to begin the illicit wiretapping of American citizens to find
those in league with the terrorists, and began personally participating in the
interrogation and torture of detainees at Guantanamo. Scooter Libby, as part of
his plea bargain with attorney Patrick Fitzgerald, was able to confirm many
details.

After the 2004 victory of the Bush-Cheney campaign, the
Vice President’s fear transformed into megalomania. Reactivating control of
Haliburton, Cheney had the firm commence construction on a colossal project at a
South Texas ranch acquired by long-time associate Katharine Armstrong. The site
encompassed several thousand acres in desolate Kennedy County, home of 414
people – the fourth lowest population of any in the United States. Details on
the building remain sketchy, as the architects and workers were entombed inside
the foundations upon completion, but it appears to encompass a citadel
surrounded by elaborately designed parks.

Whittington has alleged that this was no country garden.
Instead, it appears to be a game park where Cheney hunted not quail, but man.
Beginning with certain "high value" Al Qaeda targets, Cheney began importing
people to his compound, giving them a head start, and then pursing and killing
them. However, Cheney’s doctors and Secret Service agents informed the Vice
President that tracking and killing the hardened terrorists was too risky and
put too much strain on his heart, and insisted that he switch to less demanding
prey.

Cheney began to invite elderly, fat, or handicapped donors
to his compound for what were accurately termed "hunting parties." However,
Whittington reports, rather than commencing the pen-raised mallard or quail hunt
they expected, Cheney leapt into his private helicopter, shouted from a bullhorn
that they had 30 minutes for a head start, and flew away.

The harrowing details of what ensued remain hazy, but it
appears that a wheelchair bound guest was killed directly from the helicopter
upon the Vice President’s return, and the others scattered into the woods.
Whittington was luckier than most; following a stream to conceal his scent, he
managed to evade Cheney for some hours before he caught up with him.  In a
dramatic showdown, Whittington was shot in the face but managed to escape when
the Vice President became entangled in a snare of his own making.

Whittington was brought to the hospital and is currently
listed as in critical condition. A special delivery of almond-flavored
chocolates from the Office of the Vice President has been seen by political
pundits as a conciliatory gesture.

Scooter Libby’s spokesman declined on his superior’s behalf
to respond to our requests for a follow-up interview on the grounds that Libby
had been torn limb from limb and devoured by Cheney’s pack of ravenous wolves.

Chris Doten (MALD 07) does his best writing when in his
secret undisclosed location.

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